” i go back to… ”

[ yesterday is still not gone – like i want it to be ]

a prompt from the writing “I Go Back to May 1937” by Sharon Olds – 19:36:09 in the Veteran Writers Workshop today!

   yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be 

i don’t know when they got married

was it in the 40’s

they were young in the sexual revaluation

and so was their oldest son

i don’t want to talk about it

my mind, for the first time perplexed and anticlimactic about a topic of the prompt

yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be

i want to stomp out all the existence of everything and everybody

i don’t want to think about… did they have any beautiful times at all

did i, or did any of my siblings, when it comes to it, have any good times at all

i don’t know

yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be

i want to crawl from under the rock, from behind the tree, from under the sea

after it was all over

after all the mistakes were made and “mistakes” were made

i would want to have said, you know

you have been through hell, you have faced some things that people should not have to had faced

you have  been brought up without the means of logic, nor of reasoning

you have not been shown that you can dream nor think outside the mindset that still holds the strings to your temples and the back of your head as they are braided in your hair trying to hold you there constantly, incessantly – as if to get you in a routine to remind you, that you are not really disturbed

yesterday is still not gone   like i want it to be

i want to see therapists in a workshop addressing all that seemed unstoppable

yet i know in the land of intercession with love in the heart for addressing too many flaws to count on in numerated lines of digression to the hands of oppression for having none a vision for you nor that whom you gave birth to, all 9 of us.

yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be

plugged us into that of the same hell that you were in and never looked at again but replayed just the same for some worse parts of a play or a movie that could never make it in the theaters for yesterdays crowds of ignoring and avoiding realities, we still have some of the same cloud today, but there are many avenues now to a better tomorrow because of a better U – in the know with streamed knowledge to nock out the heart ache of yesterdays refusing to wane in the torment that runs through one like oceans sinking the greatest of vessels to ever sail its boundless body of water

yesterday is still not gone  like i want it to be

i wish to detach the strings of idioms like water under a bridge, and sweep it under the carpet, let bygones be bygones, don’t do your laundry in public: the secret society of secrets are only secrets because they have to be in order to keep the same amount of dysfunction prevailing for the manipulation of a people to do that which another separate entity needs them to do

yesterday is still not gonelike i want it to be 

the power in that, i want it to be dissolved – totally annihilated by the chance that love is a better path to finding a broader sense of civility

better parents not beating their children, not taking them to places of humility, like smacking your son in public for instance – when he just minutes before socked a kid around his own age for calling his mother a fat pig. whether or not she was, nobody else has a right to be derogatory against ones mother. and for a father to try to correct the son with the same juvenile mindset is preposterous… if one is ever to think about graduating from a place of barbarism to a place of say… true democracy, oh that is your opinion, but don’t say it out loud around me or U will pay… or paint a picture to other kid that is so profound that he will never want to talk about anybody, nor anybodies family members ever again… in a derogatory way

yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be

i wish to unpile all the kids out of the station wagons that were full of life and curiosity to get the next experience of what someone else was doing so that they might see if there was anything going on different than that which was going on in the household of children and 2 adults in a house of poverty and mental degradation in that thinking for oneself was not even close to being a goal, nor was any kind of school including the 12 years from the time one was a kid until an “adult” at 18 or 19 – no, it was hurry and find a job, and do whatever job you could do

                 yesterday is still not gone like i want it to be   

i would like to have at least had my parents in college, and had them value such. i would have at least have wanted them to have that, and maybe another wonderful and great life changing experience so that they would have something other than the disturbance of destruction that they brought to the table. 195947

                

 todays writing was extremely hard, and it was even more difficult to try to read it, i made it through a few stanzas, had to stop, this is the first time i had to stop reading. maybe another time!