prompt from a revisited writing from Tim O’Biren (The Things They Carried)

“carry me please”

something U never here from a Marine in service

nor most of them that are out of service, but maybe still in service to their communities etc.

what catches up to some of us

embarrassingly enough

is the need for my own super hero

is it a man or a woman

i could care not

but to have someone to rescue me

a person who defends

a person who advocates democracy

a person who values and ensures all are afforded the pursuit of happiness

the happiness in life

what i used to carry

to my years in the corps

the trust of my men

the concern of their wellness

the hope for them to excel

the memories of their families

and my gear of course

and the tears buried in the subconscious

of what i could and could not figure out

mostly, what i could not figure out

and my rifle

always my rifle

or a shotgun

or a 45

my dress blues

a blood stripe

0+ type

i still carry

that which dissipated to the afterlife of mental strife which hid so deep in the tunnels where none could find it so that it was not with strife that i walked to the tune of torment and knowing why the breakdowns that i was hiding while being a man, being a Marine was hidden, was hidden so deep down in the soul and out of site

i was always carrying it

having no way to relate the nightmares to an actual event

feeling crazy over the anguish and paralysis of time unspent

the time unspent too by those deceased

and the clutching, where they souls clutching at my soul

the dead to the undead dead and an invitation to the party

a begging to be recognized for what it was versus the suppressed memories to painful to bear

the idea that civility can be so much closer to home for only a moment at a time

or contemplation time of introspections set aside for such a time as this

change is heavy

coins and the change that we need to become that person that is more of the purposed intent on that of life’s values not cheaply spent for one’s own gain without consideration of the aftermath to our friends – the decision of who it is that we will call family- who we shall call family is all the creation or evolvement of earthlings and not to stop there but do we embrace any and all of what gives and sustains us in life in the first place

i carry a broader perspective

through an interactive exchange of ideas and perplexing questions that bring me to question my own set in my ways stance to be broken for a stronger stance more etched in the ebb and flow of civility, the yin and yang of harmony, the positive and negative for a full synapse firing to the basics of all wants and needs to be known in the greater perspective that my problems are not just my problems and the struggles, dreams or desires of those in my circle are also a collection an opportunity for me to actually be a part of the circle

i carry still trauma – both Corps and the trauma because of not knowing i had been carrying all of that, but having the signs that i was carrying all of that, and the vulnerability of my not knowing but having a full bag – a sea bag of what i have been trying to empty

is too what i still carry

120312 – 20 minute writing