how NOT to honor a Marine

i was fat

I’m still a Marine

i am still on skid row

Not to mention, I had my crazy photo face on… that i do sometimes when i am overwhelmed (maybe a good way… or, i don’t know)

And i am still fat (minus about 14 pounds since then)

&

i still have to lose weight. Over a year ago, the VA Doc told me i have problems, heart disease, most likely from stress, but eating from depression was not helping, and more isolation and not working out was and is not helping, and sleep deprivation, and insomnia and other complications of disabilities is not helping. I also believe it is from getting stabbed (20 minutes from death) in the Philippines while serving the U.S. of A. as a Marine – the collapsed lung injury.

i go to starbucks in littleTokyo to work on my book (a lot), and one night, i ignored the negative voices that keep me from interacting, and i spoke to a beautiful woman, introduced myself and spoke with her and her friends briefly. Like most of the time, i never heard from them again, but months later… i did hear from the one i talked to. It did not seem like she was interested in me, but she seen some of my posts, and decided she wanted to do a documentary about me as a homeless Marine who created art as Maintenance Therapy. So we set that up… and i made myself vulnerable again, as i have learned time and time again, that people can do very evil things. Now – i would not consider what these girls did to be very evil… i don’t know the scale, but compared to what i have been through, no, but compared maybe to what most other people have been through, maybe it is.

I thought these USC Masters-Graduates where going to help me – i thought that i was going finally going to beat the perpetuation of Veteran poverty with their help. I opened myself up again to telling them about being on skid row, in a little tiny room, it is still technically the same as being homeless in that: it is not my home; it is so very tiny, i call it a closet; i still have negative interactions with other homeless people; this and other factors of the environment still continuously furthers the exacerbation of my severe depressive disorder, PTSD, and anxiety disorder etc; every night i make it out, i have to come back to skid row; i still get all the same pollution on skid row… maybe more intensified with practically everyone smoking in the building. So, yes, maybe in some regards, it is better than being on the street or in shelters again… but i still experience many of the same difficulties of homelessness!

That being said, being on skid row does not help either, yes, i am not “homeless” anymore, i am in a low income room, so i don’t have to fight the elements that much anymore either, 2 years ago, almost 3, the VA found my disabilities to be permanent irreversible disabilities that are service connected.

So now, i at least have a nice vehicle that i drive in and out of skid row… but, i still have not been able to make it out yet because of difficulties with my disabilities. I have had many years of homelessness even before being on skid row. This combined with people committing crimes against me resulting in the worst homeless situations for which i am writing a book… i started it in ‘97, but am still writing, and surmise the biggest reason for not being done yet, is not having enough stability to keep the writing going – through the distress of going through the torment of trauma which is absolutely necessary for the purpose of education so that we will be a more civil nation. I am still writing this book, but need help, need stability, and am ever looking for a home, a real home that i can create in, and sleep well in, breath good oxygen in, socialize in, eat good food in with wonderful efficient appliances and other instruments that will foster wellness, including space for friends to be able to socialize.. everything i have not had for at least a couple of decades.

This makes 8 years alone for skid row, that i have been trying to escape from this atmosphere, which for me, exacerbates extreme depression and complex PTSD. Sometimes i fantasize about having a very wonderful girlfriend, or a lover, and so i talk sometimes, breaking from my trauma based inversion, and taking another chance amidst my headfuck of being a Marine and then victimized while susceptible to disability complications. That is what i did when I reached out to some USC students, one i found to be very attractive. She reached out to me, and was working for RIOT who do documentaries on people, to help them maybe – have the ability to dig themselves out of a  hole.

I was contacted by the woman i am/was attracted to. We did the interview, in the room i stay in actually, the tiny little room i call a closet, because to me, it is the walking space of a closet or worse. My Veteran friend Ramon was there, he waited in the hall, and let us do the interview, because the room is way to small.

I told the 3 women about how i created art to cope with disability complications, and that i do it every day. I told them some of the history of my being homeless, and am glad i did not tell them about the trauma in the Corps or post service trauma which severely exacerbated all the difficulties that i was having for a decade before that trauma. This interview was maybe right before i got help or maybe right after i got help from the VA – and i was, as usual, trying my best to work through some very complex PTSD and severe depression related, and there are other complications.

The women, at least 2 of them, and one of them abstained if you will, but still did not say anything about the post, and none with the decorum and integrity to the principles of being documentarians or reporters, or whatever they were position wise with RYOT, i question now if they were even with RYOT. Maybe they do not know about people with disabilities, and don’t understand the complexities. Still, i did not see the post until a year later, about a week earlier before writing this post – today – Sunday the 26 of November @ 17:30:26 in 2017.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HELP this Marine to get 100 limited edition 72’ & 84’ acrylic ART PIECES into your living space be it home or the office – or one of your buildings!

Well, there it is. Me and my fat ass, i lost some weight, but still need to lose… so i don’t succumb to heart disease. That art piece in the pic, i am almost done with that – still not done in over a year… the place is too small, and i have complications with disabilities which limits the space more. So, now U see, the ladies did not honor a Marine, and likely do not understand (still) what it is to serve our nation, what it is about the rights they have, what it is about putting your life on the line for their rights, as i told them in the comment, and as i facetiously put a love next to the first humiliating comment. I don’t know how people come up with felling they need to put a post up like this, or nobody saying anything about it, and knowing the person they are humiliating is a Marine. And what is the one woman insinuating here… is it a post sexual harassment thing? What is it? The 3 hot chick statement about?

All i know, it was and is typically extremely difficult for me to speak about the things i speak about, but i do for the sake of change, and for the sake of the possibility to successfully escape from the place i hate to go back to every night or day, that is if i manage to get out at all, as sometimes i get so mournful from trauma related difficulties that i don’t get out for days, and if i do, it is just for moments and i am just as alone as i am there most of the time.

I was under the impression that their interview would be aired, and that the other documentary that Ramon Garcia did – called escaping skid row, would have received the funding to finish, and would have been a path to success as an artist, where i would have been able to sell enough art in month to never worry about homelessness again, and so i could write my book, be able to socialize, be able to create more art, and use even different materials than the current ones, though there are 2 projects at least that i will be finishing, and many others i hope to work on – much larger scale and mediums should i ever find the sponsors or the cash to be able to see them to fruition.

it is everybodies hope to

Maybe 2018 in AUGUST i will be able to get the 62,000 people to buy a box of 25-cards

Maybe this month DECEMBER 2017 I WILL GET 100 PEOPLE TO BUY AN 84’ AND/OR 72’ acrylyc limited edition ART PIECE LIKE THE ONE BELOW 

 

and HOPEFULLY THIS CONTINUES WHERE 300 people will buy a limited edition 4’, 5’, 6’, or 7’ acrylic print IN AUGUST

art is what i have to offer, and i know if i am discovered by enough people – in august i will buy a home finally. A real home with enough to sustain me while writing my book and creating other art, and occasionally entertaining, and who knows what large pieces i will make, for example, one of the biggest pieces i want to create is  “FIND U’r LOVE FOUND ©” as big or bigger than a 3 story building, but the art of this piece ©